The Hardware Kings

Have you ever played the roleplaying game Hardware Store Bonanza? It’s a lot like Goblins and Grottos, but way cooler because it’s more realistic. Hardware Store Bonanza is still set in a fantasy world, but it’s quite a developed world. You play as a group of hardware store employees, going out on various quests, gaining experience and levelling up. Thankfully you don’t do any fighting, because I don’t really like the violence in those more traditional RPGs. Things still get really tense, and there are super important dice rolls to be had in every adventure, so it’s not boring or anything.

My group is currently on a quest to get supplies from another local hardware store, near Bentleigh. I know that Bentleigh is a suburb of Melbourne, but our Hardware Master is pretty uninspired with the town names in his game. Last week we travelled to Hampton to trade with a band of orcs who were hoarding all the wood in the area. Anyway, this Bentleigh hardware store is our rival, given that our own hardware store is located nearby. You see it’s all about timber supplies close to Cheltenham, which is why we had to deal with those orcs. Back to our rivals, though. They’re a real rough bunch, using dodgy marketing tactics (such as threatening to burn down the tavern unless everybody buys from their store), and we’re really struggling to get the upper hand in our little battles since we’re trying to trade honourably.

So our plan is to use disguises and buy some supplies from our rivals, and then use those supplies to prove that they are inferior to our own. When the people of Melbourne (fantasy realm Melbourne, not real Melbourne) see how dodgy those supplies are, they’ll come begging for our ones. The other store won’t be able to give away their supplies, even to rebuild the tavern that they burned down. We’ll be the hardware kings. Hey, maybe that’s what we should call our party since we haven’t come up with a name yet. The Hardware Kings.

– Jim